Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Challenge of Faith and The Nature of Mad on a Gray Sea

My blog has been a lonely ghost town, tumbleweeds knocking around in the vacuum created by absence.
I am one of those erratic bloggers (and definetely NOT a Blogger with a capital "B"), not consistent, posting randomly about randomness, without much focus. Informative or merely decorative? Attempts of humor or attempts to be taken seriously? Whatever strikes my fancy. I tell myself that this is why I only have 13 followers (auspicious number, indeed). If you are one of The 13, you have acquired a strange taste, dears, you are the underground, sub-sub-sub-culture, punk-rock before there was a glimmer in Iggy Pop's eye, or maybe you're an anti-anti-anti-punk. I don't know, you should examine that yourself.

But really, I would hate it if this blog were more popular...I don't want the responsibility! Better cap my followers at 13.  ; )
And sigh...here we go: Guess what, these traits are not confined to my attentions to this here blog, wish I could say so. But no, if I take an honest look, these seep into all I touch. I have trouble choosing one path to follow. Which is why I never imagined myself married, and why I am a Unitarian Universalist. This is why I pursue something with tenacity, only to toss it aside in the morning.  
And wo! To anyone who tries to impose their ideas of discipline and righteousness upon me! I rebel like I were Lucifer herself. I shut down, won't listen, and have to figure it all out by myself. Silly me.
And then to contradict my seemingly fierce independence and flippance, I often cower and follow like all the rest of the gentle lambs. So sweet. Don't you just want to pat my little pointed head? 
Seems to me, in order to have disipline, I would need to have faith. And in order to have faith, I would have to kill all of the other beautiful possibilities. That makes me so sad. All of my weeping, wailing, dying fantasias.

I would like to know how you people do it. How do you structure discipline in your life? How do you reconcile your contradictions? Did you have a moment where you looked around and noticed that you were on the exact right path for yourself? Or do you have trouble, like me, drawing a line between the light and dark when the world is so full of gray? Thoughts, anyone?


Catherine @ The Vegan Good Life said...

I wouldn't worry too much about followers. Most who comment on my blog don't officially follow (by the way, you have more than I do). Plus it's like Facebook "friends" - people seem to be so concerned about a numbers game.

I'd rather be in the minority. I was at a Natalie Merchant concert and was listening to her thoughtful stories on poetry and there were only 800 people in the audience. Lady Gaga can sell out Madison Square Garden. Seems wrong.

I find your blog lovely. Stunning photos (I often think I need a new camera when I see your nature shots), and your musings on various topics. Proud to be among the 13.

Wade said...

Real struggle, that is real life. I recall a few deep conversations in high school, but I was much more focused on chasing after the wind at that point to seriously consider issues that are important.
I think you are right that discipline comes from faith, and faith, like love, is a commitment not a feeling.
I have faith, and I have deep convictions about that faith, but I still doubt. Someone who does not doubt, I believe, does not think.
Some contradictions (or apparent contradictions) cannot be fully reconciled. But don't we live in a world full of contradictions?
Keep questioning, keep searching, even when you find what you think is the answer, keep searching. That is what I have to do...BTW I have ruined your lucky # 13


MaddyG said...

Catherine~ thanks so much for your kind words! You're absolutely right about the followers/subscribers. It really isn't important how many people follow the blog. I just sometimes want more of a dialogue, or confirmation that SOMEONE is reading. Some reciprocity? You know what I mean?
By the way, I'm thrilled that you are one of the lucky 13- (14 now!). ; )

MaddyG said...

Wade~ I'm delighted to have you ruin my lucky 13! ; )
I appreciate your comment too. I totally agree with you, doubt seems to be a sign that a mind is alive and is being challenged. That seems healthy to me.
It's not so much doubt that consumes me. It is more that I am open to so many possibilities, that I have trouble choosing a particular 'one right way'. And it is difficult to reconcile the contradictions- all the various paths running off in different directions!
As far as faith in a God/Goddess/Being of Light/etc./etc. goes: I don't mind not having a name or gender assigned. I don't mind not being able to put my finger precisely on something that I know is there. But at least I can have faith that there is something there beyond myself. I don't think I am searching for a more definite answer.
However, I do get frustrated with our society's labels (within religion and politics)that limit people and keep them seperated. At times, I've felt pretty isolated from my Christian friends. And that's sad- the feeling that I'm not a member of the club!
I'd love to hear your thoughts/philosophy on how Christians should or do interact with or view their non-Christian friends. Maybe a post topic for your blog? ; )

Gray Sea

Gray Sea