My blog has been a lonely ghost town, tumbleweeds knocking around in the vacuum created by absence.
I am one of those erratic bloggers (and definetely NOT a Blogger with a capital "B"), not consistent, posting randomly about randomness, without much focus. Informative or merely decorative? Attempts of humor or attempts to be taken seriously? Whatever strikes my fancy. I tell myself that this is why I only have 13 followers (auspicious number, indeed). If you are one of The 13, you have acquired a strange taste, dears, you are the underground, sub-sub-sub-culture, punk-rock before there was a glimmer in Iggy Pop's eye, or maybe you're an anti-anti-anti-punk. I don't know, you should examine that yourself.
But really, I would hate it if this blog were more popular...I don't want the responsibility! Better cap my followers at 13. ; )
And sigh...here we go: Guess what, these traits are not confined to my attentions to this here blog, wish I could say so. But no, if I take an honest look, these seep into all I touch. I have trouble choosing one path to follow. Which is why I never imagined myself married, and why I am a Unitarian Universalist. This is why I pursue something with tenacity, only to toss it aside in the morning.
And wo! To anyone who tries to impose their ideas of discipline and righteousness upon me! I rebel like I were Lucifer herself. I shut down, won't listen, and have to figure it all out by myself. Silly me.
And then to contradict my seemingly fierce independence and flippance, I often cower and follow like all the rest of the gentle lambs. So sweet. Don't you just want to pat my little pointed head?
Seems to me, in order to have disipline, I would need to have faith. And in order to have faith, I would have to kill all of the other beautiful possibilities. That makes me so sad. All of my weeping, wailing, dying fantasias.
I would like to know how you people do it. How do you structure discipline in your life? How do you reconcile your contradictions? Did you have a moment where you looked around and noticed that you were on the exact right path for yourself? Or do you have trouble, like me, drawing a line between the light and dark when the world is so full of gray? Thoughts, anyone?